Day 22171

Good morning! Once again we find ourselves at Tuesday after a night of restless sleep filled with truly messed up dreams and odd realizations.

The oddest of those realizations that I was thinking about at 3 a.m. is the duality that lives within myself. It’s maddening at times when I try to come to terms with the fact that, for the most part, I wish I was invisible; that no one can keep track of my comings and goings.

The other day, for instance, someone in my office commented about my little walks around the building. If I sit in a chair all day, my joints and muscles seem to lock up. So every time I have to use the restroom, I’ll walk up and down the three flights of stairs in the building and then go outside and walk around. At one point in this walk, I will usually do some stretching and such.

One of my colleagues made some sort of innocent comment about how I looked deep in thought during my walk. My first thought, not vocalized, was how dare you watch me. I don’t want to be observed. I’ve been known to stop going to places where people know me. I really have no desire to go to a bar where everyone knows my name.

And yet, here I am posting little stories about my life, hoping that someone reads them. And I use my real name, as well, in a time when I could simply make up a moniker. So why is it I want attention at the same time as not wanting attention?

Frankly, it’s all a little embarrassing.